Lessons of Being Alone

First true moment of loneliness

Even though I have siblings, I was raised as an only child in my household. My Grandparents on my Father’s side raised me. Growing up I always felt like I was alone. I wished I had another sibling living in the house with me. Sometimes some of my cousins would come over to play and I would go to their houses as well but once I got older I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone. I wanted to be left alone by the people that were in my life, but I wanted other people to be in my life, that were not around.

I would lock myself up in my room and be in there for hours. Contemplating life and how I hated everyone around me, blocking everyone out. Yeah, I was at that age of life where I hated the world, and everyone was against me. I wanted to be done with high school, so I could move far away and start a different life. A life with no restrictions and where I could be whoever I wanted to be.

I didn’t have a desire to go right off to college after high school, but I was seventeen when I graduated, and my Grandmother told me the only way I was going to leave the house before I turned eighteen was if I went off to college. So of course, I picked a University that was outside of Nevada, on purpose. I was dating a girl at the time that was a year older than me. She was already in college but transferred over to an art University in San Francisco, where I also attended.

It was my first time living in a city away from my family. Even though I was with someone I knew, it was still a massive step for me. The first girlfriend and I broke up immediately after arriving in San Francisco, but we remained friends. We are still in each other’s lives till this day.

There were days when all I wanted to do was go home, back to Las Vegas and be with my Grandmother. I loved sitting in a room with her and just watching her. Her little “fake laugh” was always my favorite. It was her way of saying “yeah right” or “yeah whatever” without using words. I would sit in my dorm room and cry because I missed her so much. You could say I was a Grandma’s Girl, for sure. Even though I was so angry with her as a child for having so many restrictions on me, I always wanted her approval and to make her proud of everything I did in life.

Moving away to San Francisco for college and being hundreds of miles away from my family in Las Vegas truly helped me grow as an individual. My college days were a shit show of emotions, but I learned some of the most valuable life lessons during this point of my life.

I apricated everything my Grandparents did for me. Including being so strict on me in high school.

One day I was walking down Market Street in SF and I saw a Grandmother talking to her Granddaughter. That little girl was so mad at her Grandmother for something! She had a little pissed off face and you can tell they were arguing over something. In that moment it reminded me of my relationship with my Grandmother and it made me tear up a little inside. I ended up calling my Grandmother to tell her about what I just saw and then I thanked her for everything she did for me as a child. I told her “now that I am an adult and on my own, I am understanding why you did everything that you did, and I truly appreciate it.” I will always remember that moment because my Grandmother passed away a couple of years after that and I am happy that I decided I would tell her “Thank you.” I know for a fact not a lot of adults take the time to say thank you for the things they put their parentals through. Or even their friendships.

It’s a beautiful feeling to show genuine gratitude towards someone that has touched you in some way.

 

Being in a relationship and feeling alone is the loneliest feeling

 

After college I lived in my car for a couple of months and traveled around the United States. I had an acquaintance traveling with me but even with someone with me I still felt very much alone. I’ve never been much of a relationship person, even though I am a hopeless romantic. I just don’t get into relationships unless I feel like it is absolutely right. I am now twenty-eight and I’ve only been in four relationships my entire life, but I have dated many many….many ladies.

During my road trip, I thought maybe the cure to my loneliness could be a relationship. Within my first week of being back home in Las Vegas, I matched a woman on Tinder. She was beautiful and my perfect type! I thought I hit the jackpot and she had to have been a tourist. Nope, she lived in Vegas! We ended up meeting up right away and I thought she was perfect. My heart fell to the bottom of my stomach when she walked into the cigar bar we were meeting at. The conversation went so well. I couldn’t stop smiling. We ended up leaving the bar and made out a little by her car. The following day I had coffee delivered to her job since we had been out a little late and she had work the next morning. I thought it was a cute gesture and so did she! I realized her job was right up the street from the house I grew up in. Which was odd. She had already been working there for almost a year. I told her of my adventures around the United States and showed her who I was traveling with. Once she realized who I was traveling with she told me she had met that same girl in San Francisco one weakened when she went to visit her friend. She said she met her on the Muni line and they were both wasted, and she had an image with her. She ended up showing me the image. “What a small world!” I thought. I also took this as a massive sign, that this woman was meant to be in my life.

We were inseparable after meeting. I went home one day after being with her for an entire weekend. The moment I got home I missed her. She told me to come back over and that we never had to be apart again. Shortly after that we became girlfriends.

She knew of my adventurous soul and how I wanted to keep traveling. We talked about moving abroad to Thailand and planned on staying in the states a little longer to plan things and save up money. We decided to move to Kansas City, Missouri.

There were many red flags, which I completely ignored during the beginning of our relationship. One of them being an incident that occurred that had many stories that were left untold. My father had an accident at work where acid fell on his leg and he was hospitalized. My aunt and I drove to LA to be with him in the hospital and to make sure everything was okay. During this weekend it was also my girlfriend’s birthday, which she ended up being upset with me for not being there with her, which I found out once I returned home from LA.

The clock was ticking, and it was getting closer to us moving across the country to Kansas City, Missouri. My girlfriend was starting to get nervous about this. We didn’t have jobs lined up or a place to live yet. She was also worried about moving with me when we weren’t tied to each other in any way. She started to second guess the move and second guess our relationship. At this point I was still blind sighted by my overall feelings for her. When she told me, she was scared to move I panicked. She told me she was unsure because we weren’t even married and what if I left her and she had nowhere to go. I told her that wasn’t going to happen, but she wanted something more solid. Without even fully thinking about it I asked her to marry me. She asked me if I was being serious and I told her yes. I figured if I said yes it would be a while before we would even get married anyways. She was ecstatic and said yes that she would marry me. At this point we had only been together for eight months! She started planning a wedding right away for the following week. “WHAT!! The following week?!” was screaming in my mind. I told her maybe we should wait and plan something. She said no she wanted to get it done before we made the move. In that moment my stomach turned, and I felt sick. So sick. Was I making a mistake?! And of course, I ignored it. I let her plan all the details. She wasn’t even out to her family yet and she came out a week before we got married. Let’s just say, that it didn’t go very well.

A few days before our wedding some secrets from her birthday weekend came out. Our roommates at the time were threatening to tell me if she didn’t. She confessed to me. She told me that our roommates at the time kept telling her that she made out with some guy when she was really drunk. She told me she doesn’t remember that ever happening, but she was also black out drunk. She felt like they were making up this story and that they left her downtown alone. She couldn’t find them when she was leaving to go home. So, she ended up calling this girl that she was dating while dating me at first to come and pick her up. I asked her why she did that and why she just didn’t call a taxi. She couldn’t give me an actual answer. She promised me that nothing happened, and she was just dropped off at home. At this point I was so upset and had no idea what to do. Things were already in motion and we were getting married in a couple of days. I didn’t understand why she didn’t tell me about it before, but I found it in myself to forgive her and move on. Another red flag.

It was done. We were married, and I did not feel like I dreamt of feeling as a child when I would lay in my bed looking up at my ceiling thinking “I wonder what the person is doing right now that I am meant to be with.” I felt like nothing had changed. We just had this label of being married and a new Facebook status. She was now my wife, not my girlfriend. After we got married we decided we weren’t going to move to Kansas City but San Diego instead. We wanted to be closer to family. Las Vegas was a short drive away and her family was in California. She needed to work on repairing her relationship with her family and well, I needed to work on getting accepted into the family.

Nothing was easy once we were in San Diego. It took us a couple of months to get stable with jobs and an apartment. Her rebuilding her relationship with her family took an even longer time and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s still some issues with her dating women. In the mix of all these lows there was lots of depression in the house, lots of negative vibes, lots of fighting, no romance, no love, etc. I won’t get too in depth. But I got to the point where I was completely unhappy in my marriage because I turned into a person that I am not. My dreams of traveling to different countries vanished. I started working this corporate job that at first, I was happy in, but it slowly started sucking the life out of me. There was zero communication between my wife and I. When we had arguments, we would ignore each other till the issue was forgotten about. Talk of children was a main topic and our life together was constantly being compared to the lives of others on YouTube or her sisters. I didn’t understand how she wanted children when we weren’t even happy together. Behind closed doors it was dark and negative but on social media and around people it was smiles and laughter.

I felt so alone. I knew I wasn’t meant to be with her, but I also felt the need to try to make this relationship work since she was my wife. I recommend going to counseling, reading books on marriage together, talking about our issues, etc. She was not interested in anything I had attempt to do. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so unhappy with myself, who I was, what I became, how I felt. I started taking matters into my own hands. I started to mediate daily. I started to read books. I picked up another job on the weekends, just so I didn’t have to be near her. My family and friends kept asking me when I was going to leave her and why I was even doing this to myself. I didn’t have the answer. I was scared to leave her. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of being twenty-five and divorced and what others would think of me. And finally, one day, it just happened. I left, and I felt this huge weight lift off my body. I felt free.

It took a while for me to be okay. My ex and I did go back and forth for a little after I left but the result was us completely filing for divorce and my gut telling me “Zena, this is what is meant to happen.”

I ignored all the signs my inner self was giving me. Plain and simple, I got married for all the wrong reasons. Yes, I did love this woman, but she was never supposed to be someone I was meant to marry. I do believe our relationship happened for a reason and I gained so many lessons out of this. I do not regret this choice because I have learned to accept it for what it is. This is a part of who I am, this is a part of my past that has led me into becoming the person I am today.

I would much rather be alone than be miserable in a relationship where I feel alone anyways.

 

Traveling alone

I have traveled to a few places with others such as my United States adventures, Ireland and Thailand. But I have never traveled completely alone, until now. Since the ending of my material chapter I promised myself that I was going to completely focus on loving myself and being okay with being alone. The first step to this was moving out on my own. Last year I moved into my very own first apartment where I lived alone. I was able to walk around naked, not shower for the entire weekend, sleep in, stay up late, have crazy sex and break my bedframe, watch porn without headphones, leave dirty dishes in the sink and whatever things most of us are conscious of when living with others. I was able to just do and not have a worry. It was a beautiful feeling. I learned a lot about myself in the year of living alone but I wasn’t fully satisfied. I still had that corporate job and it was the only tie where I still felt connected to my ex. I was also tired of getting yelled at for things that weren’t my fault. With lots of signs from the Universe and wise words from a special friend, I decided I was going to make the move to Spain and see what came of it.

Traveling to a new place all alone, where you know no one, have no friends and no family is scary. It’s exciting but also very scary. Before I made the transition out here I made a few connections. Which only one of them is someone that I speak with regularly and hang out with. Having to explore a new city and make new friends is an adventure within itself.

When I first got to Spain I was on an all-time high. Excited to be some place a lone. Not having to have to worry about someone else and if they need anything or if they are tired, etc. Last weekend I went to an area of Madrid that is about 20-30 minutes out from the center. My day started off beautiful but towards the afternoon of the trip I felt completely alone. There was a festival going on and there were families and friends all around me. It made me miss my people, my tribe. It finally hit me, I was in a foreign country thousands of miles away from all of the people that actually know me.

When I traveled with others, it always gave me that sense of security of knowing that there was someone nearby. Sure, there were hundreds of people around me, but they were strangers.

I ended up in a bar, where I got coffee and charged up my phone. During my time in the bar I met this eighty-six-year-old woman that lived in London for ten years. She knew some English and was very excited to be able to speak to me in English. We talked about her life in London and in Spain. She told me stories of when she was a little girl, her marriage and divorce, children and the history of Spain she lived through. She asked me my story and I told her bits and pieces of it. She told me I looked very happy and seemed to be doing what I am meant to be doing. Hearing her say that touched me and I knew in that moment she was right. Even though I felt alone, I knew I wasn’t. Sure, there were tons of strangers around but some of those strangers have the best stories and see the most beautiful things in others.

The following day I had another solo day trip planned to Toledo. I woke up feeling very sad still, but I knew I had to push myself to get up and get out of the house and go explore. I was grateful that I did. Toledo was beautiful, and the time spent there was very inspiring.

I came to Spain to find parts of me I’ve been afraid to explore. I am the only thing stopping me from that exploration. Every day that I am here I am pushing myself more and more out of my comfort zone.

 

 

 

It is okay to feel alone and to be alone. During your loneliest points you gain so much knowledge about yourself. In these moments we are allowing ourselves to grow and explore. We cannot keep ourselves confined. We cannot rely on others to always keep us company. When there is an adventure that our soul wants to take, we must listen and explore it. The exploration will lead to other avenues you would have never crossed if you stayed in your box.

Dealing with Self-Sabotage

Those of us who have experienced self-sabotage normally have rooted issues within ourselves. We feel like we aren’t good enough or do not deserve what we currently have. Instead of just walking away from a situation peacefully, we hold onto things and find a way to ruin it for ourselves in the most negative way possible. Most of the time we do not even realize we are doing it to ourselves.

In my early twenties I experienced tons of self-sabotage. I’ve always had abandonment issues since I was a young child. After a few therapy sessions and lots of self-reflection, I was able to pin point that my abandonment issues were due to not having my parents around. Seeing my mother here and there when she was still alive. Visiting my dad in jail and randomly seeing him out, on the very rare occasion. Lots of broken promises from both parents. Wanting my mom to call me but never having the time or money to. Asking my dad to please stay out of trouble so he could stay out of jail but always ending up right back in. I literally just wanted them to want to be with me and always felt that they didn’t want me since they were never actually around.  In my late teens I came out of the closet. When I did this, I had family members that wanted a lot to do with me suddenly want nothing to do with me, due to my lifestyle that they did not believe in. This added to my abandonment issues. I couldn’t understand how easy it was for someone who loved me so much to just so easily be able to turn their back to me.

 The first step to dealing with self-sabotage is to acknowledge and come to terms with your rooted issues. I acknowledged that I had abandonment issues due to life events and was able to let go and forgive those family members that were involved in these life events. Just because I was able to forgive and let go doesn’t mean I am peachy with these certain people. I was able to forgive and let go for my own internal peace.

The second step with dealing with self-sabotage is being aware and in control of your ego. This step is a very important step. You can be aware of your deep-rooted issues but if you continuously let your ego control your life, you will notice there are parts of you that may make you cringe. Your ego isn’t your friend and is a part of each of us that tries to cause harm by making us feel like we are superior to others or greatly lacking as an individual.

I’ve experienced both spectrums of my ego but the one that I’ve built a great relationship with is the ego that brings me down. The voice in the back of my head that tells me I do not deserve the things I want out of life, that I will not get where I want to be in life, that I am not good enough, I compare myself to others, wonder why someone else was picked over me, automatically assume someone doesn’t like me if there is a shift in our relationship, etc. I can go on and on. This part of my ego is still something I deal with daily and honestly the ego never disappears. You need to be conscious and aware of your ego. The saying “you are your worst enemy” is referring to your ego, no matter which spectrum you are more familiar with.

To help you control your ego you must learn to forgive. Forgive yourself for anything that you have done that you are holding onto. Know that we are all human and not perfect. We make mistakes and those mistakes are learning lessons. Without mistakes we never grow. Forgive those who have harmed you. This can be difficult for some situations but because you forgive doesn’t mean you need to forget. Forgive for your inner peace and move on.

When you feel your ego creeping up on you, check in with yourself. Ask yourself, “why am I starting to feel this way?” and remind yourself that your ego is just a voice inside of you and is not in control of you. You are in control of yourself. If you are starting to feel superior to others, bring yourself back down by reminding yourself that, we are all human and on the same level. No one is greater than the next person. We are all created the same, have feelings, bleed and breath the same. The only difference between each human life is that we were all dealt different cards. If you are starting to feel like your ego is bringing you down, remind yourself how far you have come. And if you haven’t gotten that far in the task your ego is trying to tell you that you won’t succeed at, remind yourself of your end goal and that you can make it happen. Do not let your ego hold you back. Go after everything that you want in life and have confidence that you will make it happen.

Feel gratitude for everything that you have in life, including all the things you have that you may take for granted each day. I am thankful for my Grandmother every day. She is no longer with us, but I still thank her for everything she did for me and how she raised me. I am thankful for the people that have come into my life and have taught me such beautiful life lessons. I am thankful for my current Au Pair family because they are providing me with a roof over my head, food in my belly and to be able to experience their culture daily. Catch my drift? Say out loud daily the things you are thankful for and when you say them feel them inside of you, you will feel the love.

Communication and honesty is key when you are trying to deal with your ego. If you feel your ego taking control during a situation, stop yourself and walk away. Let the other individual know you need to step away and take a breather. Do not let your ego control the situation. You are the one driving your life, not your ego. It may be hard at first but let your loved ones know what you are going through and the steps you are taking to help yourself. When you open yourself up more to the people around you it becomes real.

The third step to dealing with self-sabotage is awareness and willingness to change. I previously mentioned that some of us may not even realize they are self-sabotaging themselves. But after you do it the first couple of times it’s hard to not realize what you are doing, unless you truly do not care and do not want to change. When I truly came to terms with my own self-sabotage it was due to hurting someone I truly cared about. It was in my early twenties when I was truly battling with my internal self. I was very depressed, contemplated suicide, truly disliked myself and just drank a lot to deal with my emotions. Around the time my Grandmother passed away, I was dating an amazing girl. One that drove me all the way to Las Vegas from San Francisco, so I could see my Grandma for the last time in the hospital. I will always remember how she gave my Grandmother a foot massage. I thought it was the sweetest thing ever. Once my Grandmother passed away I sank into a dark hole and even though I had the love of my girlfriend at the time I still seeked attention from others. One day when we were together she found text messages on my phone. Till this day I have a vivid replay of the moment she saw the text messages on my phone and her reaction. It breaks my heart every time I think about how much I hurt her. Since then we have spoken, and she has forgiven me for my actions, but point is, this is the moment that really opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself. It took years of work to be where I am at today, but it was work that I genuinely wanted to put in. I wanted to make myself a better person for myself. The moment I told myself I was going to make this happen, was the moment my life started to change in a positive way. Now I can recognize when something is off, when I do not like how I am feeling about a certain situation, to be honest with myself and with others and to have open communication.

 These are the steps that have helped me over the years. I hope you find them useful to use in your own practice.

Checking In With Emotions

For some of us it is hard to express the emotions we are feeling because we aren’t too sure ourselves what we are feeling in any given moment.

Some of us run from our feelings, while others sit and try to figure out why we are feeling a certain way.

At times I am the person that sits with my feelings to figure out why I am feeling a certain way, while other times I run from my emotions because I am not ready to deal with the current situation or just fear what will come of knowing why I feel a certain way. More times than not, I get defensive about my emotions and I tend to flee. This is something I am working on and have been acknowledging for the past year.

In the process of acknowledging my current emotions I find a quite place where I will not be disturbed. I pay attention to the energy in the space. Do I feel overwhelmed in this space? If I do, I ask myself why? Maybe the room is cluttered? Maybe the room feels stuffy? Or maybe it’s just my overall body. Whatever the case is I check in with myself in that moment.

In this very moment I feel anxious. My neck and entire body feels tight and I feel like I have a giant pit in my stomach. When I think about moving away from the people I know and love I get an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. With the idea of leaving comes tons of other thoughts. Will I connect with other individuals in Spain when it comes to my gender identity? Will I be financially okay? Will the family I am staying with like me? Is my Spanish good enough for me to get by?

So many questions fill my mind and I have to stop and remind myself: If I believe in myself and ask the Universe to put other creative individuals in my life with similar views on life, I shall receive.

Face all of your insecurities that come up in the moment of sitting with your emotions. Even if they aren’t questions but statements. Ask yourself why you feel this way about yourself? Write out a list of four things you will do to change these insecurities and hold yourself accountable. Start off with small tasks that you know you will be able to complete daily.

Will I connect with other individuals in Spain when it comes to my gender identity? 

Spain is known as one of the friendliest LGBT countries. I will make lots of connects with other individuals in the community and they will be respectful of my pronouns. I will do research on the LGBT community in Madrid, Spain and look into meetups and FB groups to start making connections with individuals. 

Will I be financially okay?

Yes, I will find ways to use my creative talents to make an income. I will also be able to tutor individuals English on the side for an extra income and I will find multiple resources on finding my niche. 

Will the family I am staying with like me?

Of course they will like me! I am a loving likeable positive individual. I will always be true to who I am and share my positive views on life with the family. 

Is my Spanish good enough to get by?

I have a basic understanding and once I am out there I will be immersed in the culture and language. I will pick it up quickly and practice my reading and writing. 

Hold yourself accountable for how you will make these changes in your life. Close your eyes and imagine your life with these changes you are looking to make. Believe in yourself and that they are truly happening and you already have the things you are wishing for. Acknowledge your emotions and come to terms with them, do not brush them off, do not run from them. The first step to self-love is learning to love every part of yourself, even the parts that have been hidden away.

Be kind to yourself and know that these changes will not happen over night but believe the changes are coming.

Battles With Sexuality, Gender and Body.

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Through out my entire life I have battled with something relating to my sexuality, gender and body.

As a child I feared liking other girls because I was raised to believe it was a sin. I will always remember the time I asked my grandma why a charter on a tv show was dying and her response was ” because he’s gay.” In that moment I had an overwhelming fear that I had a sickness and I too would die soon. I told myself in that moment that I didn’t like other girls and I would change myself. I was six. Prior to six, I would get crushes on my dad’s girlfriends and lets just say I wouldn’t mind them undressing in front of me. My point is I didn’t just wake up one morning and think to myself “fuck the world, I am going to be gay today.” It wasn’t a choice that I picked. It was just who I was from the time I started growing in my mothers belly.

As a child I hated wearing girls clothes and playing with girl toys. I wanted the boy toys and I wanted to shop in the little boy section. I remember growing up and always wanting to play the male character during games and stuffing my underwear with socks because I truly wanted to be male.

As I grew older and slowly learned that some of the people closest to me were non supportive, my fear of who I was grew larger. I was out to my friends, which did take a while. When I came out they laughed and said they knew. It was written all over me but I was in denial.

Still confused about my sexuality, I came out as Bisexual. But only to my dad’s side of the family. They were the less religious side and I felt most comfortable being me around them. They told me it was just a phase and that I would get past it but none the less they loved me and supported me.

After high school graduation I moved to San Francisco with my very first girlfriend at the age of seventeen. Once we landed in the Bay Area, that relationship did not last very long. There was where I truly started to learn who I was. I was in a city filled with other gays, lesbians, bisexuals and trans. I felt no judgement and I started to build loving excepting relationships with people I call family today.

I was tired of living a double life. Being straight to one side of my family and then being me and who I truly was to the rest of the world. I decided to come out to my moms side of the family.

When this happened it didn’t go over very well. A portion of them disowned me. What hurt the most was the fact that the ones that did disowned me, were the ones I was closest to. The ones I feared most and I already knew how the outcome would be but I had hope that maybe they would accept me for me.

Being disowned by the people that I thought truly loved me tore me apart. I was only eighteen. I turned to drinking to mask my emotions and would drink too much, to the point where I would black out and not remember all of the shitty things I would do the following day. I turned into a really negative person. I thought about suicide constantly and would get into fights with anyone around me.

I will always remember the time my nina turned me away when I tried to give her a hug and she said “If I hug you, that will mean I am accepting who you are.” This woman that so badly wanted me to come move with her when my mom passed away. She actually did reach out to me November of 2017 to say she was sorry and I forgave her but I will never forget how much it hurt me.

It has now been ten years since I came out to my moms side of the family. Ten years of not speaking to certain people. It just really proved to me that family doesn’t have to be blood related. Since then I have made a whole other family. A family of friends that were by my side when I was going through all this crazy negative crap. A family that is still around till this day.

At the age of eight-teen I met a man on a cruise ship and found him to be quite handsome. At this point in my life I knew I was a lesbian and not actually bisexual but I still found myself making out with my guy friends or drunkenly wanting to hook up with a guy. It was time for me to put the what if’s to rest and finally figure out what I truly enjoyed. I ended up inviting the handsome cruise ship man back to my room where we fooled around and attempted to have sex. Once the sex part started we stopped and the man said “you are truly gay.” My response ” yeah..I totally am.” We stopped and snuggled for hours while having conversations about life.

As the years past I would always joke around and say “What if I got a sex change and turned into a man.” It came up so much that my wife at the time turned to me and asked me “Do you really want to? You seem to bring this up so often. I need to know now because I did not marry a man, I married a woman and if you want a sex change I need to know because I don’t want to be with you.” I was twenty six and felt very lost within my own body while living in an unhappy marriage. The night my ex told me this, I cried myself to sleep. I told her I would never bring it up again.

Shortly after we separated. I was then on a mission to find the true me and face all of my fears to make me a stronger person.

I thought about idea of possibly transitioning. Is it something I truly wanted or was it something else that was confusing to me? After weeks of deep contemplation, I came to the realization that I truly loved my body and who I was. I then came to terms with the fact that I am a Gender Fluid Queer.

I do not identify with a sex. Male or Female. I feel that of both sexes. I am very dominant and love to be in control but sometimes I like to switch and be taken care of and pampered. When I look at myself in the mirror I see myself as being more male, even well naked.

I thought to myself the other day “I feel like I am getting gayer as I get older.” But fact is, I’m not getting anymore gay, I’m just learning to love who I am and everything about myself.