Battles With Sexuality, Gender and Body.

Through out my entire life I have battled with something relating to my sexuality, gender and body.

As a child I feared liking other girls because I was raised to believe it was a sin. I will always remember the time I asked my grandma why a charter on a tv show was dying and her response was ” because he’s gay.” In that moment I had an overwhelming fear that I had a sickness and I too would die soon. I told myself in that moment that I didn’t like other girls and I would change myself. I was six. Prior to six, I would get crushes on my dad’s girlfriends and lets just say I wouldn’t mind them undressing in front of me. My point is I didn’t just wake up one morning and think to myself “fuck the world, I am going to be gay today.” It wasn’t a choice that I picked. It was just who I was from the time I started growing in my mothers belly.

As a child I hated wearing girls clothes and playing with girl toys. I wanted the boy toys and I wanted to shop in the little boy section. I remember growing up and always wanting to play the male character during games and stuffing my underwear with socks because I truly wanted to be male.

As I grew older and slowly learned that some of the people closest to me were non supportive, my fear of who I was grew larger. I was out to my friends, which did take a while. When I came out they laughed and said they knew. It was written all over me but I was in denial.

Still confused about my sexuality, I came out as Bisexual. But only to my dad’s side of the family. They were the less religious side and I felt most comfortable being me around them. They told me it was just a phase and that I would get past it but none the less they loved me and supported me.

After high school graduation I moved to San Francisco with my very first girlfriend at the age of seventeen. Once we landed in the Bay Area, that relationship did not last very long. There was where I truly started to learn who I was. I was in a city filled with other gays, lesbians, bisexuals and trans. I felt no judgement and I started to build loving excepting relationships with people I call family today.

I was tired of living a double life. Being straight to one side of my family and then being me and who I truly was to the rest of the world. I decided to come out to my moms side of the family.

When this happened it didn’t go over very well. A portion of them disowned me. What hurt the most was the fact that the ones that did disowned me, were the ones I was closest to. The ones I feared most and I already knew how the outcome would be but I had hope that maybe they would accept me for me.

Being disowned by the people that I thought truly loved me tore me apart. I was only eighteen. I turned to drinking to mask my emotions and would drink too much, to the point where I would black out and not remember all of the shitty things I would do the following day. I turned into a really negative person. I thought about suicide constantly and would get into fights with anyone around me.

I will always remember the time my nina turned me away when I tried to give her a hug and she said “If I hug you, that will mean I am accepting who you are.” This woman that so badly wanted me to come move with her when my mom passed away. She actually did reach out to me November of 2017 to say she was sorry and I forgave her but I will never forget how much it hurt me.

It has now been ten years since I came out to my moms side of the family. Ten years of not speaking to certain people. It just really proved to me that family doesn’t have to be blood related. Since then I have made a whole other family. A family of friends that were by my side when I was going through all this crazy negative crap. A family that is still around till this day.

At the age of eight-teen I met a man on a cruise ship and found him to be quite handsome. At this point in my life I knew I was a lesbian and not actually bisexual but I still found myself making out with my guy friends or drunkenly wanting to hook up with a guy. It was time for me to put the what if’s to rest and finally figure out what I truly enjoyed. I ended up inviting the handsome cruise ship man back to my room where we fooled around and attempted to have sex. Once the sex part started we stopped and the man said “you are truly gay.” My response ” yeah..I totally am.” We stopped and snuggled for hours while having conversations about life.

As the years past I would always joke around and say “What if I got a sex change and turned into a man.” It came up so much that my wife at the time turned to me and asked me “Do you really want to? You seem to bring this up so often. I need to know now because I did not marry a man, I married a woman and if you want a sex change I need to know because I don’t want to be with you.” I was twenty six and felt very lost within my own body while living in an unhappy marriage. The night my ex told me this, I cried myself to sleep. I told her I would never bring it up again.

Shortly after we separated. I was then on a mission to find the true me and face all of my fears to make me a stronger person.

I thought about idea of possibly transitioning. Is it something I truly wanted or was it something else that was confusing to me? After weeks of deep contemplation, I came to the realization that I truly loved my body and who I was. I then came to terms with the fact that I am a Gender Fluid Queer.

I do not identify with a sex. Male or Female. I feel that of both sexes. I am very dominant and love to be in control but sometimes I like to switch and be taken care of and pampered. When I look at myself in the mirror I see myself as being more male, even well naked.

I thought to myself the other day “I feel like I am getting gayer as I get older.” But fact is, I’m not getting anymore gay, I’m just learning to love who I am and everything about myself.

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